my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
