just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
