he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
