Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize