My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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