i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
