You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
