she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
