I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
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