If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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