my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
