I wish I could punch you in the face.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
