I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
