The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
