No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
