all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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