Umm I'm too high to move.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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