I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
