He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
