Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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