Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
