That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
