so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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