I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
