fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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