just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
