i was born a porn star she said
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
