i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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