capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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