im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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