can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
