you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
