just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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