A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Enjoy the penises
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
