as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
