At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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