I want to walk on stilts...naked
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just cropdusted the office
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
