It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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