i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is Oprah even human
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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