I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
