Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
