I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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