I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize