My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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