You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
