Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
