Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
