I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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