Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im holly from the hills drunk
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
