I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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