ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
