Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
