Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
God I need to hump something, right now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
