Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
