Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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