thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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