If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
