Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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