So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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