In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
