I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I came so hard my ears popped.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
