I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
