i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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